This paper presents the Colloquial Metric System (CMS), a novel standardized framework for quantifying hyperbolic expressions commonly used in informal discourse. The system establishes a logarithmic scale ranging from 5 kg (1 Shit-bit) to 1,000,000,000 kg (1 Clusterfuck), providing precise mathematical definitions for previously ambiguous colloquial quantifiers. Our methodology employs base-10 logarithmic progression with empirically derived scaling factors based on linguistic analysis of over 50,000 informal communications. The CMS demonstrates 94.7% inter-rater reliability (Cohen's κ = 0.932) and offers practical applications in fields ranging from project management to social media sentiment analysis. This standardization bridges the gap between formal measurement systems and vernacular expression, enabling more precise communication in casual contexts.
Keywords: Colloquial measurement, hyperbolic quantification, linguistic standardization, vernacular metrics, profanity-based systems
In contemporary informal discourse, speakers frequently employ hyperbolic quantifiers to express magnitude, volume, or intensity. Terms such as "shitload," "fuckton," and "ass-load" pervade everyday communication, yet lack standardized definitions, leading to ambiguity and miscommunication. Previous attempts to quantify such expressions have been limited to informal internet discussions without rigorous scientific methodology (Smith et al., 2019; Johnson, 2021).
The absence of a standardized framework for these ubiquitous expressions creates significant challenges in data analysis, particularly in sentiment analysis, project estimation, and cross-cultural communication studies. This research addresses this gap by proposing the Colloquial Metric System (CMS), a mathematically rigorous, empirically validated framework for standardizing hyperbolic quantification.
This study aims to:
The CMS employs a base-10 logarithmic progression model, formally expressed as:
Where Mn represents the mass value at level n, M0 is the base unit (5 kg), and n is the logarithmic scale position (n ∈ ℤ, 0 ≤ n ≤ 9).
INPUT: quantity Q (in kg), scale_factor s
OUTPUT: CMS unit designation U, conversion value C
FUNCTION determineCMSUnit(Q):
base_units = [5, 50, 100, 1000, 10000, 100000,
1000000, 10000000, 100000000, 1000000000]
unit_names = ["Shit-bit", "Ass-load", "Crap-ton",
"Shitload", "Fuckload", "Fuckton",
"Metric Fuck-ton", "Absolute Fuckload",
"Holy-Shit-ton", "Clusterfuck"]
FOR i = 0 TO length(base_units) - 1:
IF Q < base_units[i] * 1.5:
U = unit_names[i]
C = Q / base_units[i]
RETURN (U, C)
RETURN ("Clusterfuck", Q / 1000000000)
END FUNCTION
A double-blind study (n=500) was conducted where participants estimated quantities using both traditional SI units and CMS terminology. Results demonstrated significant correlation (r = 0.947, p < 0.001) between participant estimates and standardized CMS values.
The fundamental unit of the CMS, derived from minimum perceptible inconvenience threshold (MPIT = 4.7 ± 0.6 kg, Confidence Interval: 95%).
Represents maximum sustainable manual transport capacity for average adult (MSMT coefficient = 0.68 × body mass).
Threshold of significant physical burden (TSPB), correlating with average adult human body mass (WHO standard: 62-88 kg).
The primary reference unit, equivalent to SI metric tonne. Represents transition from personal to industrial scale (Scaling Transition Index: 0.73).
Industrial threshold unit. Corresponds to commercial transport capacity minimum (CTCm = 8,500-12,000 kg).
Megafauna equivalence unit. Approaches maximum biological organism mass (Balaenoptera musculus: 150,000 kg maximum).
Structural engineering scale. Equivalent to medium commercial building mass (Floor Area Ratio: 0.42).
Monument scale. Corresponds to major architectural structures (Eiffel Tower: 10,100,000 kg).
Naval/cruise architecture scale. Large displacement vessels (Queen Mary 2: 76,000,000 kg displacement × 1.32).
Geological threshold unit. Approaches small mountain mass classification (Hill classification: >100m elevation, mass > 10⁸ kg).
Where f(x) returns the nearest CMS base unit for input mass x (kg), and ⌊·⌋ represents the floor function.
For precise measurements between standardized units. Example: 3,500 kg = 3.5 Shitloads (SL).
Determines position n on logarithmic scale for any mass M, enabling classification into appropriate CMS unit.
| Unit | Symbol | Mass (kg) | Scientific Notation | log₁₀(M/5) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Shit-bit | Sb | 5 | 5 × 10⁰ | 0.000 |
| Ass-load | AL | 50 | 5 × 10¹ | 1.000 |
| Crap-ton | CT | 100 | 1 × 10² | 1.301 |
| Shitload | SL | 1,000 | 1 × 10³ | 2.301 |
| Fuckload | FL | 10,000 | 1 × 10⁴ | 3.301 |
| Fuckton | FT | 100,000 | 1 × 10⁵ | 4.301 |
| Metric Fuck-ton | MFT | 1,000,000 | 1 × 10⁶ | 5.301 |
| Absolute Fuckload | AFL | 10,000,000 | 1 × 10⁷ | 6.301 |
| Holy-Shit-ton | HST | 100,000,000 | 1 × 10⁸ | 7.301 |
| Clusterfuck | CF | 1,000,000,000 | 1 × 10⁹ | 8.301 |
| From → To | Sb | AL | CT | SL | FL | FT |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sb | 1 | 0.1 | 0.05 | 0.005 | 0.0005 | 0.00005 |
| AL | 10 | 1 | 0.5 | 0.05 | 0.005 | 0.0005 |
| CT | 20 | 2 | 1 | 0.1 | 0.01 | 0.001 |
| SL | 200 | 20 | 10 | 1 | 0.1 | 0.01 |
| FL | 2,000 | 200 | 100 | 10 | 1 | 0.1 |
| FT | 20,000 | 2,000 | 1,000 | 100 | 10 | 1 |
CMS provides intuitive scaling for work estimation. Case study analysis (n=45 software projects) demonstrated 23% improvement in estimation accuracy when using CMS terminology versus traditional metrics (MAPE reduction: 31.2% → 23.9%).
Natural Language Processing systems incorporating CMS achieved 18.3% higher accuracy in intensity detection (F1 score: 0.847 vs 0.717) across social media datasets (Twitter corpus: 2.3M tweets).
International collaboration study (n=120, 15 countries) showed 34% reduction in magnitude miscommunication when using standardized CMS versus colloquial expressions without formalization.
Scenario: Development team evaluating codebase legacy issues
CMS Application: "We have a fuckton of technical debt in the authentication module"
Quantification: 100,000 lines of code requiring refactoring (1 FT = 100,000 LOC)
Outcome: Standardized severity assessment enabling resource allocation (Estimated: 18 developer-months)
Scenario: Product release with accumulated issues
CMS Application: "We've got a shitload of P2 bugs to fix before launch"
Quantification: 1,000 medium-priority bugs (1 SL = 1,000 units)
Outcome: Clear sprint planning: 50 bugs/week = 20 weeks to resolution
Scenario: Legacy system database transfer
CMS Application: "We need to migrate an absolute fuckload of records"
Quantification: 10,000,000 database records (1 AFL = 10⁷ units)
Outcome: Infrastructure planning: 200,000 records/hour = 50 hours migration time
Scenario: Executive returning from vacation
CMS Application: "I have a crap-ton of unread emails"
Quantification: 100 unread messages (1 CT = 100 units)
Outcome: Time allocation: 2 minutes/email = 200 minutes (3.3 hours) required
Scenario: Project manager scheduling conflicts
CMS Application: "I have an ass-load of meetings this week"
Quantification: 50 meetings scheduled (1 AL = 50 units)
Outcome: Calendar optimization: 30 min average = 25 hours, exceeds 40-hour work week
Scenario: Q4 revenue forecast
CMS Application: "We closed a metric fuck-ton of deals this quarter"
Quantification: 1,000,000 units of revenue (1 MFT = $1M using monetary conversion)
Outcome: Performance bonus calculation: 1 MFT exceeds target by 340%
Scenario: PhD candidate beginning dissertation research
CMS Application: "There's a fuckload of papers on neural networks"
Quantification: 10,000 relevant papers identified (1 FL = 10,000 papers)
Outcome: Reading strategy: 5 papers/day = 2,000 days (unfeasible) → filter to 1 SL (1,000 papers)
Scenario: Clinical trial participant recruitment
CMS Application: "We need a shitload of participants for statistical power"
Quantification: 1,000 participants required (1 SL = 1,000 participants, power = 0.95)
Outcome: Recruitment timeline: 20 participants/week = 50 weeks enrollment period
Scenario: Weight loss program
CMS Application: "I need to lose a shit-bit before summer"
Quantification: 5 kg target weight loss (1 Sb = 5 kg)
Outcome: Diet plan: 500 cal deficit/day = 70 days (10 weeks) to goal
Scenario: Relocating to new apartment
CMS Application: "We have a crap-ton of stuff to pack"
Quantification: 100 boxes required (1 CT = 100 units)
Outcome: Packing schedule: 10 boxes/day = 10 days preparation time
Scenario: Entertainment backlog assessment
CMS Application: "My Netflix queue has a fuckload of shows"
Quantification: 10,000 hours of content (1 FL = 10,000 hours)
Outcome: Reality check: 3 hours/day = 9 years to complete → prioritization needed
Scenario: Warehouse stock assessment
CMS Application: "We have a fuckton of holiday inventory left"
Quantification: 100,000 units unsold (1 FT = 100,000 units)
Outcome: Clearance strategy: 50% discount to move 1 FT in 60 days
Scenario: Black Friday support tickets
CMS Application: "We received an ass-load of support requests"
Quantification: 50 tickets/hour peak rate (1 AL = 50 tickets)
Outcome: Staffing calculation: 5 agents required (10 tickets/hour/agent capacity)
Scenario: YouTube creator planning schedule
CMS Application: "I have a shitload of video ideas"
Quantification: 1,000 video concepts documented (1 SL = 1,000 ideas)
Outcome: Production plan: 2 videos/week = 500 weeks (9.6 years) of content
Scenario: Influencer milestone celebration
CMS Application: "Just hit a fuckload of followers!"
Quantification: 10,000 followers achieved (1 FL = 10K followers, micro-influencer tier)
Outcome: Monetization threshold reached: $50-100 per sponsored post
Scenario: Hospital EHR implementation
CMS Application: "We need to digitize a metric fuck-ton of paper records"
Quantification: 1,000,000 patient files (1 MFT = 1M records)
Outcome: Scanning project: 1,000 records/day = 1,000 days (2.7 years)
Scenario: Pharmacy chain monthly operations
CMS Application: "We filled a fuckton of prescriptions this month"
Quantification: 100,000 prescriptions processed (1 FT = 100K scripts)
Outcome: Staffing validation: 3,333 scripts/day requires 15 pharmacists minimum
Scenario: Professor end-of-semester workload
CMS Application: "I have a crap-ton of papers to grade"
Quantification: 100 student submissions (1 CT = 100 papers)
Outcome: Time requirement: 15 min/paper = 25 hours of grading
Scenario: New curriculum creation
CMS Application: "Creating this course requires an ass-load of research"
Quantification: 50 academic sources needed (1 AL = 50 sources)
Outcome: Preparation timeline: 3 hours/source = 150 hours development
Scenario: Event planner managing large wedding
CMS Application: "This wedding has a shitload of moving parts"
Quantification: 1,000 coordination tasks (1 SL = 1,000 tasks)
Outcome: Project management: 6-month timeline, 5 tasks/day average
Scenario: Tech conference registration
CMS Application: "We got an absolute fuckload of registrations"
Quantification: 10,000,000 ticket inquiries (1 AFL = 10M, system overload)
Outcome: Infrastructure scaling: add 50 servers to handle traffic
Scenario: City landfill capacity assessment
CMS Application: "The city generates a holy-shit-ton of waste annually"
Quantification: 100,000,000 kg municipal waste/year (1 HST = 100M kg)
Outcome: Sustainability planning: recycling program must divert 30% (30M kg)
Scenario: Bridge construction material needs
CMS Application: "This bridge requires a clusterfuck of concrete"
Quantification: 1,000,000,000 kg concrete (1 CF = 1B kg)
Outcome: Budget calculation: $100/tonne × 1M tonnes = $100M material cost
Scenario: Completionist gamer backlog
CMS Application: "My Steam backlog is a fuckload of games"
Quantification: 10,000 hours of gameplay (1 FL = 10,000 hours)
Outcome: Reality assessment: 20 hours/week = 500 weeks (9.6 years) to complete
Scenario: Collector organizing inventory
CMS Application: "I've accumulated a shitload of comics"
Quantification: 1,000 comic books (1 SL = 1,000 issues)
Outcome: Storage solution: 50 boxes required, insurance value assessment needed
| Domain | CMS Expression | Quantification | Actionable Insight |
|---|---|---|---|
| Finance | "Lost a fuckton in crypto" | $100,000 loss | Portfolio rebalancing required |
| Cooking | "Made an ass-load of cookies" | 50 dozen cookies (600 units) | Storage: 5 large containers needed |
| Photography | "Shot a shitload of photos" | 1,000 RAW images | Editing: 30 seconds/photo = 8.3 hours |
| Travel | "Visited a crap-ton of countries" | 100 countries (51% of world) | Elite traveler status achieved |
| Music | "Downloaded a fuckload of songs" | 10,000 tracks (28 days playback) | Library organization system needed |
| Reading | "Have an ass-load of books" | 50 books (300 pages avg.) | Reading plan: 1 book/week = 1 year |
| Gardening | "Need a shit-bit of fertilizer" | 5 kg fertilizer (covers 50 m²) | Standard suburban lawn treatment |
| DIY/Home | "Bought a metric fuck-ton of lumber" | 1,000,000 board feet | Construction project: 20 houses |
Preliminary adoption studies (n=2,500 professionals across 15 industries) reveal varying acceptance rates of CMS terminology in professional contexts:
| Industry | Adoption Rate | Primary Use Case | Resistance Factors |
|---|---|---|---|
| Software Development | 87% | Technical debt, bug counts | Low (informal culture) |
| Digital Marketing | 78% | Campaign metrics, reach | Low (casual environment) |
| Creative Industries | 82% | Project scope, revisions | Very low (expressive culture) |
| Education | 45% | Grading workload (informal) | Medium (decorum concerns) |
| Healthcare | 34% | Administrative burden only | High (professional standards) |
| Legal Services | 28% | Document review (private) | Very high (formality required) |
| Finance/Banking | 52% | Data processing volumes | Medium (compliance concerns) |
| Retail | 69% | Inventory, customer volume | Low-medium (mixed contexts) |
| Manufacturing | 71% | Production quantities | Low (blue-collar acceptance) |
| Government | 22% | Informal contexts only | Very high (public service) |
START: Assess Magnitude
Is quantity < 10 units?
├─ YES → Use Shit-bit (Sb)
│ Example: "A shit-bit of salt" (5g serving)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 10-100 units?
├─ YES → Use Ass-load (AL)
│ Example: "An ass-load of groceries" (50 items)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 100-1,000 units?
├─ YES → Use Crap-ton (CT)
│ Example: "A crap-ton of emails" (100 messages)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 1,000-10,000 units?
├─ YES → Use Shitload (SL)
│ Example: "A shitload of code" (1,000 lines)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 10,000-100,000 units?
├─ YES → Use Fuckload (FL)
│ Example: "A fuckload of followers" (10K)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 100,000-1,000,000 units?
├─ YES → Use Fuckton (FT)
│ Example: "A fuckton of traffic" (100K visitors)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 1M-10M units?
├─ YES → Use Metric Fuck-ton (MFT)
│ Example: "A metric fuck-ton of revenue" ($1M)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 10M-100M units?
├─ YES → Use Absolute Fuckload (AFL)
│ Example: "Absolute fuckload of data" (10M records)
│
└─ NO → Continue
Is quantity 100M-1B units?
├─ YES → Use Holy-Shit-ton (HST)
│ Example: "Holy-shit-ton of views" (100M)
│
└─ NO → Use Clusterfuck (CF)
Example: "A clusterfuck of debt" ($1B)
END: CMS Unit Determined
Use this matrix to determine appropriate CMS usage in various professional settings:
| Context | Internal/Private | Team Meeting | Client Presentation | Formal Documentation |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Startup/Tech | ✓ Encouraged | ✓ Acceptable | ⚠ Context-dependent | ✗ Avoid |
| Creative Agency | ✓ Encouraged | ✓ Acceptable | ⚠ Know your client | ✗ Avoid |
| Corporate Office | ✓ Acceptable | ⚠ Read the room | ✗ Avoid | ✗ Never |
| Healthcare | ⚠ Private only | ✗ Avoid | ✗ Never | ✗ Never |
| Legal/Finance | ⚠ Very informal only | ✗ Avoid | ✗ Never | ✗ Never |
| Government | ⚠ Personal only | ✗ Never | ✗ Never | ✗ Never |
| Education | ✓ Acceptable | ⚠ Faculty only | ✗ Avoid | ✗ Never |
Legend:
Company: TechStartup Inc. (Series B, 50 engineers)
Challenge: Story point estimations varied wildly (±200%), causing sprint failure rate of 42%
CMS Implementation: Adopted CMS scale for relative sizing:
Results:
Key Quote: "Saying 'this is a fuckload of refactoring' immediately conveys more than '50 story points' ever did." - Lead Engineer
Company: Creative Collective Agency (12 person team)
Challenge: Account managers consistently over-promising deliverables, 60% burnout rate
CMS Implementation: Standardized client scope discussions:
Results:
Key Quote: "When we tell clients 'that's a fuckton of deliverables,' they immediately understand it's beyond normal scope." - Creative Director
Institution: University Research Lab, Computational Biology
Challenge: Graduate students underestimating data processing requirements, project delays averaging 8 months
CMS Implementation: Dataset classification system:
Results:
Key Quote: "Telling a student their dataset is 'a fuckton of sequences' immediately signals they need to plan for cluster time." - PI
Three independent raters assessed 500 quantities using CMS classification. Results yielded excellent agreement:
Participants (n=200) classified identical quantities at two time points (interval: 14 days). Pearson correlation r = 0.961 (p < 0.001), demonstrating high temporal stability.
CMS classifications correlated strongly with traditional intensity measures: Likert scales (r = 0.887), Visual Analog Scales (r = 0.903), and magnitude estimation (r = 0.942).
While the CMS demonstrates strong psychometric properties, several limitations warrant acknowledgment:
Future research directions include:
The Colloquial Metric System represents a significant advancement in standardizing informal quantification practices. Through rigorous mathematical formulation, empirical validation (n=500, κ=0.932), and demonstrated practical applications, the CMS bridges the gap between vernacular expression and scientific precision. With inter-rater reliability exceeding 0.93 and strong correlations with established measurement systems, the framework provides researchers, practitioners, and communicators with a robust tool for quantifying hyperbolic expressions.
The logarithmic structure of CMS aligns with fundamental psychophysical principles, suggesting deep cognitive validity. As informal communication continues to dominate digital discourse, standardized frameworks like CMS become increasingly essential for data analysis, cross-cultural communication, and sentiment assessment.
We propose adoption of CMS as supplementary terminology in contexts where precision and informality must coexist. Future ISO standardization efforts (TC 42069) may establish CMS as recognized measurement framework, legitimizing colloquial quantification in academic and professional discourse.
[1] Smith, J. et al. (2019). "Informal Quantification in Digital Communication." Journal of Internet Linguistics, 15(3), 234-251.
[2] Johnson, M. (2021). "The Profanity Gradient: Measuring Intensity Through Vulgarity." Computational Linguistics Quarterly, 8(2), 112-134.
[3] Weber, E.H. (1834). De Pulsu, Resorptione, Auditu et Tactu. Leipzig: Koehler.
[4] Fechner, G.T. (1860). Elemente der Psychophysik. Leipzig: Breitkopf und Härtel.
[5] Stevens, S.S. (1957). "On the psychophysical law." Psychological Review, 64(3), 153-181.
[6] WHO (2024). "Global Body Mass Standards." World Health Organization Technical Report, Series 984.
[7] Chen, L. & Rodriguez, A. (2023). "Sentiment Intensity Detection Using Colloquial Markers." Natural Language Processing Review, 12(4), 445-467.
[8] International Organization for Standardization (2025). ISO 1000:2025 - SI units and recommendations for the use of their multiples.
[9] Peterson, K. et al. (2022). "Cross-Cultural Variations in Hyperbolic Expression." International Journal of Linguistic Anthropology, 29(1), 78-104.
[10] Anderson, T. & Williams, R. (2020). "Magnitude Estimation in Human Cognition: A Meta-Analysis." Cognitive Science, 44(6), e12876.
| Quantity Range | CMS Unit | Common Examples | Contextual Usage |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2.5 - 7.5 kg | Shit-bit (Sb) | Cat, flour bag, laptop | "Lost a shit-bit of weight" |
| 25 - 75 kg | Ass-load (AL) | Large dog, luggage, child | "Carrying an ass-load of groceries" |
| 50 - 150 kg | Crap-ton (CT) | Adult human, appliance | "Ate a crap-ton of food" |
| 500 - 1,500 kg | Shitload (SL) | Car, piano, motorcycle | "Have a shitload of homework" |
| 5,000 - 15,000 kg | Fuckload (FL) | Bus, elephant, van | "That's a fuckload of data" |
| 50,000 - 150,000 kg | Fuckton (FT) | Blue whale, truck with cargo | "Spent a fuckton of money" |
| 500,000 - 1,500,000 kg | Metric Fuck-ton (MFT) | Building, 500 cars | "Company has metric fuck-tons of cash" |
| 5M - 15M kg | Absolute Fuckload (AFL) | Eiffel Tower, destroyer | "Absolute fuckload of problems" |
| 50M - 150M kg | Holy-Shit-ton (HST) | Cruise ship, major bridge | "Holy-shit-tons of traffic" |
| 500M+ kg | Clusterfuck (CF) | Mountain, large reservoir | "Project became a total clusterfuck" |
def cms_converter(mass_kg):
"""
Convert mass in kilograms to CMS units
Args:
mass_kg (float): Mass in kilograms
Returns:
tuple: (unit_name, unit_value, unit_symbol)
"""
units = [
(5, "Shit-bit", "Sb"),
(50, "Ass-load", "AL"),
(100, "Crap-ton", "CT"),
(1000, "Shitload", "SL"),
(10000, "Fuckload", "FL"),
(100000, "Fuckton", "FT"),
(1000000, "Metric Fuck-ton", "MFT"),
(10000000, "Absolute Fuckload", "AFL"),
(100000000, "Holy-Shit-ton", "HST"),
(1000000000, "Clusterfuck", "CF")
]
for base, name, symbol in reversed(units):
if mass_kg >= base:
value = mass_kg / base
return (name, round(value, 3), symbol)
# If less than minimum unit
value = mass_kg / 5
return ("Shit-bit", round(value, 3), "Sb")
# Example usage:
print(cms_converter(7500)) # (Shitload, 7.5, SL)
print(cms_converter(45)) # (Ass-load, 0.9, AL)
print(cms_converter(250000)) # (Fuckton, 2.5, FT)